One of the key "tells" of a narcissist is the speed with which they commit to a relationship. If he/she/they are declaring love early on in your dating history and naming your babies by the fifth date or introducing you to their children - BEWARE!! In healthy, mature relationships, you take time to get to know each other and enjoy the process of establishing meaningful connection. It's a time of excitement and curiosity and understanding the other person and this part of your relationship need not be rushed.
A narcissist may get impatient, aggressive or sulky if you are reluctant to make big decisions early on in your relationship, e.g. to move in with them or them move in with you, to meet their children or attend an important family event. They may suggest you don't take a promotion or a new position even though this matters to you; they may be disinterested in some family news that is important to you. They may ask about your finances - which may be benign in itself - but trying to get money from you or trying to monitor your accounts as well as making suggestions about how you spend money and who you spend it on, is a red flag.
The narcissist creates a fantasy, a script of sorts, and need you to play your part in fulfilling it in the timely way they have prescribed. They have a pathological need to control the agenda. They have a pathological need to control.
Additionally, they believe every aspect of the story they tell themselves. They absolutely believe their narrative as fact. You are, or will become, the problem.
If you are at a vulnerable time in your life - just out of a relationship, children left home, bereaved, lonely - you are more likely to buy into the narcissist's fairytale even though you have misgivings. This is ok - you're human. The important thing is to slow down and take YOUR time. If they get angry that you need this time then that is a warning sign. If they try to insist you make big decisions about where to live, what to invest in or when to see family and friends, please take note. If you are guilt tripped, emotionally manipulated or shunned for wanting to meet your needs, this is unhealthy and unacceptable. My previous post highlighted the subtle ways in which manipulation in the name of care, sounds. Honestly consider where you are at in the relationship and if you are feeling obliged or pressured - please seek support and do nothing.
The narcissist will reveal themselves. If you ask for more time to think or decide upon something - big or small - this may irritate the narcissist and they may threaten to end the relationship. Independent thinking will not be tolerated and, as is their pattern, the narcissist is likely to move on. Painful for you, maybe, but you will have dodged a bullet. And you have stood up for yourself. About time.
コメント